Would you bless me?

Would you bless me?….a dear friend asked me at a party. My first thought was yes, of course and my next was I don’t think I know how to bless a person yet. Can I fail in blessing someone? I figured not, so I blessed my friend in earnest feeling a bit surreal in doing so. A woman I had never met before asked me to pray with her at the same party. We stole away to a private area and I prayed over her concerns. Out loud. Again surreal. I realized in those two moments of unexpected intimacy that my life is never going to be the same. And that is wonderful. People are sharing confidences and sorrows and needs with me now that touch me to the core. Christians, yes, but also Muslim friends and Jewish friends and people who aren’t committed to any specific belief system. Sometimes I want to say, Wait! I’m not a minster yet. I’ve been called but not ordained. I’m not ready for all the weight of all of this!, but when those thoughts pass and I’m connecting to the beauty and need of each person I realize I am ready. I feel so honored to be that person for them and very humbled. This world, I believe, is holding all the pain it can handle. I am going be a part of the hope. I’m called to work in the transcendental…

And that is the part that I’m just starting to get my head wrapped around. I had lunch with one of my closest friends last week, a minster who mentioned how ridiculous Christianity looks to the “outside” world. His words struck me intensely because he is Jewish, he was an atheist and is now a Christian minister and also because I have been wrestling with things about Christianity. The media I’ve been watching is playing up the “ridiculousness” of Christianity in ways that make me think wow put that way Christianity does sound/present as ridiculous. So why doesn’t it sound and feel ridiculous to me as a person “inside” the faith? The answer for me is that becoming a Christian, in the intentional way as led by Jesus, is a supernatural experience. I know the word supernatural makes people uncomfortable. Even though it is widely accepted and all around us. Its in yoga, and meditation and the New Age and Hinduism and Islam and Buddhism and science and the paranormal. The Christian journey of the supernatural is its own special journey and it is taking me (and many others) into the realm of the transcendental where the energy of Christ is changing my inner vibration and consequently how I feel myself connected to the spiritual and the natural world. I sense myself as a new creation being purified by my connection with the energy of my creator ~ not in a general sense but in a specific, purposeful sense. My particular leap of faith is leading me on a journey of deep calling to deep to be a blessing for the greater good. The experience is proving to be anything but ridiculous and one of such beauty that I wish I could pour its love and kindness and joy over everyone and give it as a gift.

A year later…

The Jordan River

It has been a whole year since my last post.  My blogging intentions have been overwhelmed by the demands of seminary. Being in seminary, studying for a Master’s in Divinity, is an exciting, transforming and demanding journey. I had hoped my experience would be akin to joining an ashram or any number of inspiring spiritual journeys I have read about.  It is something entirely different.

The study of Christianity demands a level of intellectualism, continuous reflection, debate and re-evaluation that I did not anticipate.  We are a faith on the move, committed to responding to every human condition, touching the life of every human being, bringing the bold message of Jesus into all life. This message that Jesus brought is  deep, comprehensive, personal and universal and at times completely left out of the Christian experience.

Unbeknownst to many, seminaries today are intensely academic and driven to maintain credibility.  Especially in the midst of the ongoing challenges of politics, science, anti-intellectual religious practices, dogma and intolerance. Trust me when I say Ministers being launched into the world at this moment are highly educated, constructive thinkers who have an immense capacity to impact the world, your world, in a positive way.

I am a different person than when I began.  Centered, more in tune with the working of God in me, through me and around me…more in touch with the humanity and needs of other people.  Less about myself.

People wonder what and how we study.  There is a lot of reading (10 books per class), writing, discussion, debate and reflection. The weight is like any other Master’s program, 12 credits  per quarter, no summer break, impossible to work full time and study.  Class examples…

I’ve taken classes in the New Testament that have taught me about the gospels in a historical sense, looking at them as ancient biographies filled with political intrigue and mystery.  We studied how they were chosen, who wrote them and under what circumstances.  Many myths I was raised believing to be true have been uncomfortably dispelled. Other questions finally answered.  I’ve taken extremely disturbing classes in church history and inspiring courses in youth outreach and healing.  I wish there was a way to distill all that I am learning down and make it widely accessible.

I just finished two classes held in NYC in Theology and the Arts at the studio of famous artist Makoto Fujumura.   Makoto is a living work of art.  I highly recommend his book “Refractions”, which discusses the power of art to awaken, enlarge, refine and restore our humanity.

I went to Israel this year.  I share some things about it in my next post.

Love to everyone ~ Godlight1

 

 

 

Naval Gazing

How easy it is to make connections that aren’t there. For three solid weeks ~ ever since the call to ministry came, I have had increasingly strong heart palpitations and anxiety at night.  I kept thinking the one triggered the other.  And I kept saying to myself, “This is an incredible spiritual thing happening in my life.  Why is my body reacting this way?  Shouldn’t my heart feel overwhelming joy not overwhelming anxiety??”.  Torn up inside with not understanding what I interpreted as my physical reaction to God’s calling, I have been full of doubt. Which brings me to the night before last…

Its three AM.  I am awake with such heart tremors I wonder if I’m having a heart attack. Scared to death, I can’t figure out why God would have said He needed me, only to take me three weeks later. I’m so young.  Have I accomplished what He wanted in only 3 weeks?  Should I go  to the ER? Ah, but I have that huge deductible. I’d better first Google “am I having a heart attack?”.   The symptoms don’t fit with a heart attack, whew,  but they are a big yes for all sorts of heart conditions. Fortunately none that cause immediate death.  Gerd sounds possible.  I’ll take a Pepcid.  No relief. Could it be an electrolyte imbalance?  I’ll drink E-mergency.  No relief. Maybe I should  go to the emergency room. No, I’ll just settle into an elevated position with a heating pad over my heart and wait it out. Perhaps not the best choice,  but there it is.

At 9 am I am at my Dr.s office.  The answer is…get this… Estrogen.  Estrogen causing all of this?  How?  I already take estrogen.  Have for ages , but my body has stopped metabolizing the type I am taking.  Did you know when a woman’s estrogen levels drop too low, our bodies react by creating surges of adrenaline in an attempt to force the body to produce more?  It is the effect of the adrenaline on my heart causing theses symptoms and all this inner turmoil.  What an amazing reality. And one so removed from what I have created in my mind.

There is no connection between God calling and my anxious heart.  What a cautionary lesson for me!   How much time have I spent focused on a connection that isn’t there? I thought my sub-conscious wasn’t  in agreement with my conscious mind.  That my heart was physically demonstrating doubt about my ability to answer God’s call. I prayed so much about it.  Asking God to reveal the reality of me to me and He did.

I have so much to learn.  This is going to be some journey.

Hugs and love everyone ~ Godlight One

Kia Ora

Gobsmacked! That is the only word that fits.  Have you ever started moving in a direction, stepping out in faith and had all sorts of unexpected wonderful things happened to you?  If so, I’d love to hear about them.

Its been barely two weeks since all of this began unfolding and a benefactor has stepped in to help fund my first year of seminary.  Incredible. Beyond my wildest hopes.  What an act of faith in me on their part and a testimony to the involvement of God in my life.  This person has been so kind and generous that I can begin studies and not be stressed. Thank you kind Sir with all my heart.

The Bible speaks beautifully of faith.  In Hebrews 11:1 it says, Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. My sweet Lord. Thank you for the gift.  Thank you for believing in me and inspiring another to believe in me too.

Paulo Coelho, the author of The Alchemist and many other wonderful books, posted this on FaceBook today….”And my angel said, Start moving. So I may start blessing”.

Something to ponder.

Hugs and love everyone ~

Godlight One

The Search

It’s midnight and I have finished a whirlwind two days of seminary inquiries.  I had no idea how much is involved in selecting a seminary!  Its just like picking where to go to college.  There are denominational ones, non-denominational, non-denom/evangelical, sort of denominational and inter-denominational.  So far I’ve talked to 10 different seminaries and I’m settling in on Fuller.  It sounds marvelous and I feel connected to their academic approach and statement of faith.  They are inter-denominational with some 140 denominations represented.  I can only imagine the beauty and vastness of ideas and perspective swirling around campus.  Incredible.  Some amazing people have come out of Fuller.  My hero Rob Bell for one.  And Rick Warren ~ the pastor who wrote,    The Purpose Driven Life.  Both incredible.  I believe I  will feel  a sense of place at Fuller.  Walking in there must be like entering the wide open sky.  Now I just have to get accepted!

What’s in a name?

Although women have been in ministry for ages, the ordination of women is new.  I am amazed,  delighted and stunned to find myself on the precipice of such a  great adventure. I have been many things in my life; a beauty queen, a professional musician, a gymnast, a business woman, a real estate developer and most recently a youth church director.  My journey has taken me all over the world and my life is filled with fantastic experiences, wisdom, humor,  joy and the most incredible people.  I choose to move through life open, free, unconfined and above all, kind.

When I was 13 years old, I experienced the incredible sensation of God literally reaching in and touching my heart, forever bonding me to Him as His own.  From that moment forward I have sensed He would someday call me into His ministry.  At various points in my life, I have impatiently tried to will His call and although He always blessed my efforts, He waited until now.

Over the past few months I have felt God prepping my heart, softly urging me to get ready.  Then, last Sabbath, while listening to a beautiful online sermon, the call came. As crystal clear as if God had written the words on every cell of my being, it came in such a loving way that my mind has set itself on the phrase, “where this love goes I will follow”.

And so I ask you to join me and follow along.  How much more incredible will it be if there are people from all walks of life on the journey with me?  How many women do this?  How many women who do not at all fit the stereo type or profile of Pastor do this?  What will the inner journey, the spiritual transformation look like? feel like?  I believe I am truly a good person.  But am I a good enough person?  I have more questions than answers and I will share them all with you along the way. Feel free to ask some too!

In my mind I’m humming the lyrical words of a song by the Hothouse Flower’s:

“She wore white linen. She had a whitish smile. Her feet were so worn from walking long miles. She helped people that no one else helped. She said, “get up, stand up and be your own self.  You’ve got that healthy healing strength of love coming on you. So be loving, be wholesome, be strong and for God sake be true.”

Thank you for joining me.  God bless you everyone!